Hurt People, Hurt People.

Have you ever felt like you deserve everything bad that has ever happened to you?

That has been a thought for me at times. Maybe that’s what led to my addiction, because I felt I didn’t deserve anything better than what was given to me. In the times of my addiction, I didn’t care what happened to me and I never felt good enough for anyone, especially my children. But in that messed-up process of thinking I caused them pain.

Over the years, I’ve tried to heal from the pain that I’ve caused, but also the pain that has been given to me, because regardless of the direction that it’s went in, the pain is still there. I’m constantly reminded of the things that I’ve done to hurt those around me, but mostly the hurt I caused my children.

I never want my children to feel bad for telling me about the pain that I caused them. Of course, it’s gonna hurt me because as a mother, I know I’ve hurt them. Of course I’ll live in grief knowing the pain that I caused, but they will never really know that I’ve felt that pain on both sides because of my own trauma.

I caused pain because pain was caused to me. I’m not using that as an excuse because I should have been better for my children, but it does help explain why. I’m a great example of hurt people, hurt people. But the hurt I caused was unknowing, I never intended to hurt anyone, I was just so messed up that it was hard for me to function. I was more caught up in feeling my own pain and dealing with my own trauma, that I didn’t realize I was causing others the same.

This is something that I’ll have to deal with for the rest of my life. I could still heal and grow and feel forgiven because I follow Jesus. But I’ll always know in the back of my mind and acknowledge that I’ve caused pain to those I love the most. I can live in the what ifs, but that won’t change anything, what will change is how I live in the future and how I treat those around me going forward.

I’ll never be able to completely escape my past. Why? Because it’s my story, it’s my testimony, it’s a part of me that will never go away because without it, I couldn’t be who I am today. I learned from my past, so that I won’t be the same in the future.

So going forward I can live with peace knowing what I know now. Those burdens that I was carrying all my life, are not mine alone to carry. My savior has lifted them from my life and taken them on as his own. What a relief, what a blessing. I will forever be thankful for my Jesus and the sacrifices he has made, because without that I couldn’t go on.